Don Waite:
Frequently Asked Questions

Don, how did the book project develop?

I was devastated when my nephew, Peter Hill, was diagnosed with liver cancer, realizing this was tantamount to his death sentence. With my whole heart, I poured out prayers for a miracle, clinging to hope and truly believing God could heal him. More than anything, I wanted to support and encourage Pete in any way I could during this hard, hard time.

A distance of about two hundred miles separated us, making it impossible for me to see Pete as often as I wanted. So I wrote him a letter expressing some of my thoughts and concerns. Then I wrote another letter and another. Letters soon became my way of offering love, help and hope. 

After Peter died, his mother—my sister, Charlotte, suggested that I publish my letters. Not thinking of myself as a writer, I hesitated to tackle the project. But Charlotte persisted — Peter’s story needed to be told. She was like a bulldog with a bone. Finally, I suggested the possibility of co-authoring a book. I would refine my letters if she would share memories about Peter and her family during Pete’s illness and following his death. Charlotte fully embraced the idea and the writing began. 

My letters contribute a universal application based upon scripture, while Charlotte’s deeply personal stories touch the heart. Together we completed Traveling Home.

How did you decide what to say in your letters to Peter?

As a pastor, I have been privileged to travel along side numerous people on their journeys home. As I listened to them, I learned to understand many of the fears and concerns experienced while facing imminent death. They taught me many things. These Christians showed me how to die well.

Oftentimes, being with people as they died, I experienced remarkably holy moments. By “holy,” I mean God’s presence was encountered in unmistakable ways. I witnessed them die with dignity and hope — demonstrating God’s grace is sufficient even in death. I call that dying well.

Since then, God has given me opportunities to coach others in how to die in faith and with anticipation of the joys to come. In my letters to Peter, I simply wrote what I discuss with dying people. The letters flowed naturally. When I sat at my desk and picked up my pen, the words almost seemed to write themselves. I felt close to Pete while writing. A lot of chitchat and family news were deleted from my original letters. The unedited letters also included the words from an entire hymn. I regret only a single verse could be included in the book because some of those old hymns are eloquent statements of profound faith.

The truths that prepare people to die well are the same truths that help people live well. They are not depressing topics, but life-giving hope—I wanted Pete to know this.

Where do you start when talking to a person who faces a life-threatening illness?

Death can often be the elephant in the room that no one will talk about even though everyone is thinking about it. So I’ll start by simply asking questions. For instance I might ask, “How do you want me to pray?” or “What’s your biggest concern at this time?” We’ll talk about whatever concerns they express. Of course, usually they are associated with death. I find most people welcome the opportunity to discuss death. It’s been a taboo subject for many families, so they feel relieved when I raise the topic they haven’t known how to brooch. Often the loved ones, not the person with a terminal disease, are the people uncomfortable talking about dying.

Occasionally an ill person does not want to talk about death, and I respect that.

What do you say to a dying person about death?

I seek to be honest and help people frame death within the context of biblical faith. It’s the enemy, but it is a defeated enemy. I often tell stories of people I have been with as they died well. In essence, I give them an alternative way of thinking about death through the life and resurrection of Jesus. I encourage people to ask Jesus to reveal himself to them in the midst of their uncertainty and pain. I read appropriate Scriptures, hymns and pray with them. My goal is the help them meet Jesus in a deeper way. It’s Jesus, not me, that gives them peace and hope and takes away their fears. So if they genuinely meet Jesus, whether they live or die, they do so in a much better way.

Honestly, I talk to people who are dying in much the same way I talk to people who are healthy. I’m kind of matter of fact about death. My focus is on the Lord and the incredible hope and peace he offers, not on suffering or death. I try to assist people in getting the big picture, whether they’re physically healthy or terminally ill. Getting the big picture helps us live well and die well.

You seem to link dying well with living well. What’s the relationship between those two things?

Traveling Home is not just the priceless story of Peter dying; it’s also a blueprint for living and dying well. In one of my letters, I include a quote that has been helpful to me: “We think we are in the land of the living and headed for the land of the dying, but in reality we are in the land of the dying and headed for the land of the living.” [Joseph M. Stowell, Reclaiming a Passion for What Endures: Eternity (Chicago: Moody Press, 1995), p. 9.]

I believe this is the truth, the big picture. The Bible encourages us to see ourselves as sojourners and aliens passing through this earth, this land of the dying. We are just temporary residents here. Heaven is our true home. When you begin to embrace these ideas, you begin to live with eternity in mind. And as you live well, you also prepare yourself to die well.

Were there any surprises coauthoring a book with your sister?

It was much easier than I expected. Charlotte was very easy to work with. We sought to encourage each other. It turned out to be a pretty smooth process with lots of give and take. Probably the biggest issue was how much to emphasize heaven. The assurance Peter was in heaven gave Charlotte a vibrant hope and deep peace. That hope became a dominant theme in her writing. It’s very much a part of my letters too. Yet I didn’t see the emerging book as being about heaven, but about dealing with life and death. We talked about this frequently, working it out chapter by chapter.

In the end we gave each other freedom to follow our own hearts. She made suggestions for me and I suggested changes for her. But each of us took responsibility for the content of our own writing. We respected each other’s efforts and trusted each other’s judgments. 

Our youngest sister, Sena, served as our ex-officio editor. She was amazing. She asked tough questions and made lots of suggestions on how to improve our work. I frequently became defensive. But after thinking about it for a while, I usually ended up agreeing with her suggestions and making the changes she recommended. Charlotte was much less defensive and more open to considering changes. 

What are some of the topics you addressed in your letters?

I wrote about a wide variety of topics. I offered Pete thoughts on pain and suffering, dealing with discouragement, fear, doubt, hope, anger, faith, divine healing, and the truth of Christianity to name a few. The letters are brief discussions of very deep subjects. Hopefully, they helped Peter think through difficult questions and will give the same help to other people facing trying circumstances.

You referred to Philippians 1:21 (“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain”) in almost every letter. Do you consider the phrase “to die is gain” a figure of speech or literal truth?

The Apostle Paul’s, the author of that statement, life revolved around his relationship with Christ. He lived for Christ and knew that death would usher him into Christ’s physical presence. It was the best thing he could imagine. He considered death to be genuine gain. I do too!

There is worth and power in the story of Pete’s life and death. How has it changed your life?

Peter’s life and death profoundly impacted my life in many ways. I saw Peter surrender to the Lord. He gave that which was most important to him, his life, to God. He accepted his powerlessness; he embraced it knowing things were not out of control—just out of his control. He submitted himself fully to God even though it might mean he would die. He found a profound peace and a deep joy. Instead of fighting God, he trusted God. It allowed him to live well and then to die very well. 

A few years after Peter’s death, I faced my biggest fear. A doctor told Ellie and me that we might lose our youngest daughter. I became desperate and pleaded with God to save her. I was miserable. But eventually I came to the place where I surrendered it to God—gave her to him. I submitted to him, trusted him, whether she lived or died. It was only then that I experienced God’s peace and joy. Fortunately, we didn’t lose her, but I learned to place that which I cared about the most in God’s hands.

Peter showed me how to do that. But I struggled more than he did in getting to that point. He continues to be an example of what I want to become. I look forward to thanking him face to face when I join him in the land of the living.

Are you ready to die well?

I’m more ready than I’ve ever been before because I’ve learned so much more about living well. And, as I’ve said, living well—living for Christ—is the best way to prepare to die well. So I guess I’m ready whenever it happens. I’m looking forward to that day!

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